FLAIRY's Journal [entries|friends|calendar]
FLAIRY

[ userinfo | insanejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | insanejournal calendar ]

15 [04 May 2012|01:11pm]
[ mood | pensive ]

It's been a while since I've written, hasn't it?

I've been working and finishing up with the semester at school, so between that and trying to have a social life I think that while I should have made time to write (to keep stress down) I haven't done very well with it.

But that isn't to say that life hasn't been stressful ... I'm still learning the ins and outs of being a grown up and being more responsible, and honestly I want to cry sometimes. There are some moments when I'm asking myself "why am I bothering with any of this?"

I had one of those moments last night laying in bed, sort of. I felt bad about feeling the way I did because Chris was all snuggled up into me and holding me, and I imagine if he knew what was going on in my head he'd have been offended that I felt so horrible. I guess it didn't help we had an argument earlier in the day.

I still don't have friends, and I feel worse because one of his friends (a long time friend, apparently) had a falling out with him and now they don't speak. Honestly I never liked that friend of his, but I respected their friendship and I did my best to participate and be nice to this girl. He never told me what they fought over and when I asked he refused. I don't want to think it's about me, but I get the feeling it might be. I don't pry into his friendships and I figure he'll tell me in time when it hurts less.

I tried to get back in touch with Ally, the girl who is no longer my friend, but I didn't do it to be her friend. I just wanted closure. I guess she didn't want the same, and really I don't care anymore. I'm okay with not having friends, but Chris doesn't feel the same way and needs to be social. He forces himself to do it and I don't. I should, but people are just so disappointing.

There's a chance we'll be moving soon. He's applying for work in Washington DC, and we'd be moving to Reston, Virginia. I haven't told anyone except you guys, not even my mom. My family would fucking lose their minds. They already think Chris and I will fail as a couple because we live together, and they didn't want me to move out of my mom's. Chris' mom seems to want to move up there too, I think. I'm not sure and I'm not asking, but judging from his end of the phone calls he gets, that seems to be the case.

There is an awful lot of things swirling in my head and I can't even begin to write them all down. So much I'm upset about, so much I'm happy about, so much I need help with, and I don't know where to begin.

I think I'll lay down for a bit.

2 comments|post comment

14 [30 Jan 2012|09:35pm]
[ mood | drunk ]
[ music | THEY MIGTH BE GAINTS ]

This weekend was pretty aweosme! Pardon me for my bad typing, I got a six pack of guinness and IT IS TIME TO DANCE

We went to an irish pub on saturday because shipyard emporium was too crowded ... NOWHERE TO PARK so we went to my work and got some irish cream liqueur and drank the shit out of it when we got back

then we went home and watched TV and i don't remember hwat we ate but i'm sure it was yummy

sunday we had to go WORK but he was being a cuddle butt and i gave him the tickets for the concert on the 8th and so we went to work and came back and he cooked dinner for me A FIRST and we watched eternal sunshine of the spotless mind and then played vidoe gamres till 2 am then it was bedtime and lots o snuggles and thne some commenced until he said "IT'S TOO HOT TO CUDDLE IM SORRY" but i got to be a jetpack so long as i didn't go VROOM

he called me after work to say hello and i went back to his place to getm y earrings and leave him a four pack of 2hite russians and i got supper with my brother and tomorrow i work at 3 and wednesdat i work at some other store I WILL BE LONELY I KNOW NO ONE THERE OR EVEN WHERE ITI S

time for cartoosn

1 comment|post comment

13 [27 Jan 2012|11:57pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

I got my errands done really early today, and since I'm tired of looking at my homework I'm super bored.

I realized I had a ton of livejournal names I wanted to save, and I'm kind of thinking of migrating towards one. I'm so bad about writing journal entries ... There's so much I want to say but a lot of the time I just don't have the will to write it all down.

I bring this up because I found an old secret livejournal I wrote in, and I apparently wrote in it about four or so years ago. I wrote a lot about World of Warcraft and reading it sort of stings a little, even now. It sucks to know I wasted so much time playing this game. I'm still tempted even now to go back just because sometimes I'm bored, but it really isn't worth the money or effort. I don't have friends there and honestly I'm sure the game would become more fun if I didn't have friends in it. I stopped playing for myself and was playing for my guild, and it sucked. I didn't get to do anything I wanted to do ... I hated raiding after a while and I was growing to hate the people I was raiding with.

Is it bad that sometimes I miss them? I miss when we were all actually friends ... but when your life changes, your friends change too I guess. I hate it, I miss having them as friends, but I don't want them as they are now. I want them as they were then. But I guess even then they didn't care about ME, they cared about the level 85 priest healer, or the level 70 paladin tank. It's such a hard notion to accept.

Honestly I'd rather have things as they are now than relive that experience again. It had its good moments but overall it was so stressful and things were always so tense that I don't think I could handle it again, not with the knowledge I have now. More than anything, how could I ever see coming that Vell would become so damn jealous of me that she'd ignore me to prevent me ignoring her first? I mean, I should have seen it coming, she can be vindictive like that, but it's still a hard thing to accept that someone pretty much hates you for the good things that happen in your life. What was expected of me, to spiral down into depression for the rest of my life? To finally see the little confidence I have left reap some sort of reward? Not to mention, I know she talks to my cousin Anthony, but why? Is she trying to keep tabs on me so she can laugh from a distance when it all comes crashing down? Is that really what this is about? I hate to say it but that's the picture I have of her now ... I never would have a year ago. We were friends a year ago and we were inseparable, it wasn't like we couldn't be inseparable now. I don't understand WHY. I just wanted to build a relationship with someone I grew to care about and she couldn't handle that ...

I cleaned my room the other day and I found a letter from her from the last time we had a big fight. It was before I enrolled in college and she was saying her goodbyes before "new friends and college took me away from her". I imagine she cares to some degree but ... I don't know. I got angry reading it and I stuffed it in a drawer. I don't know if it was the indignation of her thinking that I was something to own like that, or I was mad that she thought I didn't care about her, or whatever it was, but I just can't stand the thought of someone hating me like this. It's been at the back of my mind and now that I've got nothing to do it's bothering the shit out of me.

I don't think I really want to reconcile our friendship, but I would like to be on at least good or neutral terms. I know we aren't judging from when she picked her book up from my house. I didn't even get so much as a "bye" or a "fuck you, see you later" or anything. I don't even know what I'd say if I had the opportunity. Judging from the big mouths everyone I associate with has I'm sure she's caught wind of what I think happened, and probably just doesn't care enough to correct me. Either way, it's sad that I left a whole group of people including her on such bad terms. I can never ever associate with them again ... even if I tried.

What do I do now? I'm so bad at socializing ... I don't really want to make new friends. I mean I do, but I don't want the responsibility of going and hanging out and shit. I guess I'm not wording that right, but I'm too tired to care at this point about proper wording. I can write about this more some other time ... I'm getting sleepy.

3 comments|post comment

12 [24 Jan 2012|08:02pm]
[ mood | happy ]
[ music | "Istanbul (Not Constantinople)" - They Might Be Giants ]

I think it's time to make a nice long post!

God, where'd I leave off? I guess Chris and I were fighting and we'd just come back from seeing David and Daniel. We hadn't seen them since then until this past weekend.

So let's see now ... work? Work's been alright. I'm learning more and more about what I sell, and I made 50 dollars in commission this week. I'm hiding it from my mom though, or she'll demand more money out of me. I'm trying so hard to save up to get out of here, but she wants 75 a week from me. I put 60 in gas in my brother's truck every week, and I only make about 230 a week :/ That's over half my paycheck ... I also have to buy my own fucking food because even though my mom claims it's for groceries, she buys like, stupid shit. Like vienna sausages and disgusting salted shit, and meat on sale only to throw it in the freezer and never use it. I HATE the way my mom shops, and she will not shop anywhere except Wal Mart. Everything is always "buy it at wal mart" >_< I used to work there, I know how shitty everything is. NO THANK YOU

We got a new guy at work (my boss fired Garrett for always being on the phone) who is really nice, but doesn't know much about booze.

Surprisingly, since that last big fight, Chris and I haven't fought once. We've had disagreements, but no fights really. I think we found a new way to channel that aggression ... we make fun of each other. Sometimes it does get out of hand (I told him he was a turd at the mall and he got mad saying that I yelled it when I didn't) but we're usually okay. I think I've finally learned to be comfortable with him, and we've had more fun now than we have had in a while. At the beginning of February we're going to see They Might Be Giants and Jonathan Coulton in concert, and we're going to do MegaCon towards the middle of it.

We had dinner at David and Daniel's, and brought cheesecake with dulce de leche on it for dessert. We played Zombie Fluxx, Phase 10, and went to the liquor store and picked out some stuff to drink later. Chris and Daniel were making fun of me about that blog post I wrote, and I got really quiet because I'm a bad sport and I don't like being made fun of. Finally Chris was like, "are you okay? are you gonna cry? are you crying?" Because HE ALWAYS ASKS ME THAT >:( Finally he comes up and gives me a big hug in the liquor store and on the inside, I'm like "EEEE HE'S HUGGING ME IN PUBLIC SO CUTE" and my brain decides to tell my mouth to say, "I don't want your hugs >:(" but he kept hugging me. I picked out some liquor for us to drink--I got Cupcake vodka (the brand, but I got original and the frosting flavor), 99 Bananas, and a small bottle of peach-flavored Ciroc. We have a bottle of Jagermeister back in his freezer, a bottle of Captain Morgan, some Jim Beam Red Stag, some Guinness and PBR in the fridge ... we're booze-a-holics @_@

He apologized for teasing me too much though, and I told him it was okay. I didn't stay mad at him for too long, and when we got home we watched Boardwalk Empire and tried out all our stash. Peach Ciroc? Tastes like you're drinking fucking peach juice, I shit you not. No burn at all with that, didn't need a chaser ... nothing. Expensive vodka, but it's sooooo good. Holy shit I want more of that >:O 99 Bananas is his thing, it's too sweet for me. Tastes like those banana-shaped Runts candies, and I think that's yucky >:O

I went shopping earlier in the week to buy new underwear ... I really should learn underwear terminology before I buy things. I ended up buying a set of thongs instead of bikini cut underwear T_T At least he liked them :P And the new nightgown too.

I'm cleaning out my room right now, but I chose to take a break and write here because a) I'm not dead and b) I wanted to write this stuff down before I forgot. Yay substance, yay things being better, yay money, yay nerd music!

6 comments|post comment

11 [11 Jan 2012|01:23pm]
[ mood | exhausted ]
[ music | "King" - O.A.R. ]

Sorry I haven't been posting, I've either been too tired or too busy, or just not at home.

I STILL have this damn sinus infection, after a doctor visit and medication ... but allergy pills seem to help some. I need to go back to the doctor for more antibiotics.

I finally got paid at my new job and I've been stocking Chris' kitchen for when I come over, and I cook dinner for him. We've been watching movies and playing less Minecraft, but mostly because we don't know what to build anymore. We need ideas, or a survival mode that's more challenging.

A lot has gone on between he and I, and we've fought an awful lot the past couple of weeks. Just about every time we've seen one another, we've had a fight. It eventually escalated into a full blown yelling fight one night after we came back from walking around town all day, and while I understand his frustration I wish he'd understand my mental blocks about certain things. I think he does now, although it may not make much sense to him.

Since I got this job my goal has been to move out of my mom's place ... and I'm a lot closer to achieving that goal. I can't live alone though, and I want to live close to work and school. I asked Chris if he would like to live together ... I think I asked too soon. The conversation was on the topic and I think he saw that question coming. I believe his answer is no, but it's hard to tell. He gave me that answer during a fight we had so it's hard to tell if he meant it or not. Until he says otherwise, I'm going to just assume he doesn't want to. I don't think his reasoning is bad per se ... he said he'd done the living together thing and it was bad. But A) I'm not as mean and vindictive as the person he'd described as being (at least I don't think I am, but I know I'm capable of it and worse) and B) I think we'd get along better if we did. Of course he's going to have reservations and it's fine, but I really hope he reconsiders.

We fought the other night because I'm not dominant, and I am trying to learn, but I'm not putting in the effort as much as I could be. I honestly hate being dominant ... it makes me feel abusive, kind of. But the last relationship I was in, any decision or stern tone I used was interpreted as abuse and I was made to feel guilty. But it makes him miserable to have to be in charge all the time. I had a suspicion he was trying to make me be more dominating by denying me intimacy (so I would force it out of him), but I wasn't sure. At least, now I know.

I am so tired. I wanted to make this longer ... but I don't have the energy to write anymore. I'll post sometime again later.

2 comments|post comment

10 [25 Dec 2011|06:31pm]
[ mood | hot ]

Merry Christmas and all that to you guys. I'm really glad I have this journal and am making new friends here.

It's been decided that I'm really liked at my new job, and it was even admitted to me that they liked me more than the guy they hired about 2 months ago. I was told I had very good work ethic and that I was good with the customers! Really glad to know I've been accepted into "family" :)

Saturday was busy busy busy! Spent most of the day at the register. I'm much better at it than I thought I was ... We also got free lunch courtesy of Julio from 4 Rivers, which has the best damn chicken salad I've ever had! And I got my mom a bottle of cake-flavored vodka, and my cousin a bottle of Jameson. I usually hate whiskey, but Jameson Irish Whiskey is amazing. GO GET IT. And I had gin for the first time ... that is the most bizarre thing I've ever drank. It tastes like ... like ... like sausage. O_o Like a spicy savory meat. It's so fucking weird.

I got 110 dollars from my aunt and my grandparents, and I got a pretty makeup set that my cousin got for me. I got to test the colors out on her and on Tuesday I am going to be heading out to get some makeup brushes. I only have one and it's on its last leg.

I ate dinner that my mom cooked, the turkey was amazing. I love brussels sprouts.

Oh! I almost forgot! On Friday Chris took me to Buca di Beppo for my birthday lunch before work, and we exchanged presents. I got him this beautiful Doctor Who clock from Etsy, and believe me, the pictures on the page don't do it justice. He loved it, and said he knew people that would kill to have that thing. I also got him this shirt from Teefury with Mario dressed as The Doctor and Boos as Weeping Angels, which he instantly put on to wear! He got me the game Sour Apples to Apples ... and the present he's been so secretive about too. But, it requires some explaining.

There was a night we were really stoned and watching Regular Show, snuggled up under a blanket together and I had noticed that all the pictures in the house in the show were of Pops. I made a comment saying "I would totally have a picture of Pops in my house", and he goes "that would be AWESOME"

and so I have this in my room now (it's the picture on the wall in the background, I just spent like an hour looking for anything that included it and this was the best I could find)

I have a stupendous headache from my sinuses, so I'm gonna lay down and try to cool off. It's like 80 degrees. Fuck you Florida >:(

6 comments|post comment

9 [21 Dec 2011|09:44pm]
[ mood | exhausted ]

It's been pretty crazy the last couple days.

I went back on my birth control and it's made me pretty sleepy, but I'm trying to rough through it to make this new job work for me.

I've made a decent amount in commissions so far, but I think that the system it works should be redone. You have to enter the commissions in yourself to the site, but I think the cash register should do it for you. We don't really get downtime (especially this time of year) so it's tough to remember to do during the day.

I stayed the night at Chris' place last night, since I had to be at work at 9 and I didn't want to get up at 6 am. I went over there and slept after we cuddled and watched new episodes of The League, and the new Hobbit trailer. I'M SO EXCITED! He's never read it, but I've read it cover to cover many times. He needs to read it >:O

So, I met just about everyone I work with by now, and they're all pretty nice folk. I'm one of two women in the store, the other is a girl named Joann, she's been teaching me everything. I also work with a guy named Bernie, and he's a hell of a character. He's quite obviously Italian-American, an older gentleman, has a thick New York Italian accent, and he loves to joke and talk all day long. Then there's Mike, he's a nice older gentleman, and John is the wine consultant, an older gentleman as well. He's really quiet and doesn't talk much. Jordan is the assistant manager, and can't be too much older than me. He's pretty nice. Garrett is a supervisor I think, and he's nice. He's a softspoken guy and I think he's younger than I am. Dave is the regional manager and his office is in our store, he showed me the ropes and always offers me coffee from Starbucks, but I don't drink coffee. Plus I get tea for free when Chris is working! :P Lastly there's Julio, the store manager, and holy crap he makes me laugh. He's got an extremely thick Mexican accent and is always hollering across the store for Jordan, except he seems to think there's more than one of him. So all day long I get to hear "JORDANS!!!" with the "y"-sounding "J". I giggle every single time, and he's a really nice guy.

So far this job is pretty good. Our clientele are rich folk, and today we actually got a hand-delivered bottle of Louis XIII de Remy Martin, which is an extremely expensive bottle of cognac. I took a picture of the box, but this is the Wikipedia article about it. It was NOT shipped, it was delivered by the Remy Martin company that makes it, and it was waiting to be picked up by someone. Apparently it averages out to $250 an ounce ... I was like WUT. It's really pretty though. It was sold for about $2,000, but I imagine that it's been sold for more than that. Picture here is for proof! (warning this picture is fucking giant)

So ... that's fun stuff.

I also had a really epic journey trying to get my savings bonds cashed. Now, the situation is I need gas money, and the fuel light is on. The bank closes in two hours. It's rush hour.

I run down to Suntrust and am like, "CASH MY BONDS". They tell me they can only do five instead of the eleven I have, because of the time of day. I frown and am like, "FINE" and hand them the five I want cashed. They attempt to do it and then make a phone call, and then tell me their system is down and there's nothing they can do about it. Excuse me? I NEED this money, and again she says there's nothing she can do. I leave in a huff and go back to the truck ... and then I get an idea.

All you need to cash bonds are your ID and an account with the bank doing it for you. I have ten minutes before Chase bank closes ... I call them and explain my situation, and they stay open an extra 20 minutes just for me to get ALL my bonds cashed and open an account, PLUS help me get my direct deposit for my job! Holy shit I am done banking with Suntrust. Fuck them.

I took my brother to Five Guys, and if you've never eaten there you need to do it once in your lifetime. Their burgers are abso-fucking-lutely amazing, and their fries are awesome as well. All other burgers are just sad to me after eating one of those. I got the cheeseburger with onions, mustard, mayo, ketchup, pickles, and green peppers!

I went to Target and got cat food, new pants, socks, deodorant, some snacks to take to work, tea, a bra, a new sponge pouf to take to Chris' (I'm thinking I should just leave the damn thing there at this point), and ... I thought I got more but nah.

I come home finally, and am watching more Breaking Bad and waiting for Chris to finish fixing his co-worker's computer so we can play some minecraft!

3 comments|post comment

7 [18 Dec 2011|10:48pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]
[ music | "Shape of My Heart" - Backstreet Boys ]

I've been doing some number crunching since my last entry, and I realized that with this job plus my student aid, I can afford to move out of my mom's house in like three months. But, I will have to have a roommate. No way around that.

I want to ask Chris to move into a place with me, but I'm not sure when to ask him. I'm thinking I should do it when I make purchase of a car, it'll be better then. He'll know I'm serious then. I know he hates his current apartment and has often mentioned me moving out of my mom's place, so I thought he would be the first I'd ask.

This job was the best Christmas present ever. I seriously cannot wait to get my car and move the fuck out of this pit of nothing.

2 comments|post comment

5 [14 Dec 2011|12:42pm]
[ mood | working ]

I went to change the firmware on my router by using Tomato, and my router said this:

"Update are failed!"

A) What
B) grammar
C) /sigh I must do this manually

I'm currently trying to figure out how to allocate bandwidth so I can play Minecraft with some semblance of real-time instead of lagging ten seconds behind. This kinda sucks. I gave my computer the highest priority, but I don't think it works very well. I must find another way!

Today is going to be about relaxing, so I probably won't get much done today. I already took care of the needed errands, so I'll probably just sleep and do some laundry later.

I wish I could find a non-dead RP place, or an RP partner ... I kind of want to do that again. Something engaging and fun.

7 comments|post comment

4 [12 Dec 2011|10:49pm]
[ mood | busy ]

I posted a video to youtube of our Minecraft compound, here it is!

Edited to clarify that this is a Minecraft video, not of my actual house. And I run around and jump into the chicken pen.

post comment

3 [12 Dec 2011|03:51am]
[ mood | happy ]

So, after the hellish week I've tolerated, it was time for a good weekend. And it was so!

Friday I hung out with Xia and Nick, and we went to dinner at a Chinese restaurant called Good Fortune. We were going to go to Pho 88 near Chris' place, but we decided it was too far and we could get banh-mi another time. We ate and talked and had fun, and it got kind of late so we went home early. I missed hanging with them, I wish they had more time to do stuff.

I met up with Chris around 5 or so on Saturday, and he showed me the new shelf he put up in the bathroom, which is now apparently Lulu's new favorite spot to lay. She apparently almost jumped out the window too! (He's on the second floor and she wouldn't absorb a fall very well with only 3 legs!) I took my antibiotics and we got in the car to go to David and Daniel's house for dinner. We talked and talked about all sorts of stuff while I did my makeup in the car, and he was worried about how many people were going to be there since David hadn't specified that to me. I knew he had a friend staying with them for a week, plus Brandon and Patrick would be there, but there were more people we didn't know about!

Either way, we ate Chicken Parmesan, salad, and lots of yummy breads while talking to everyone. One of the people we met, Jonathan, works at Universal Studios as a manager and we spent a lot of time talking about the old rides and what they're about to do with what used to be the Jaws ride. We're thinking it might be something to do with Harry Potter, since that's getting expanded ... I'm excited!

We watched youtube videos and ate red velvet cake, had some wine, and we played Apples To Apples. I'd never played it with more than four people, so it was really fun! I'm happy to say that I won, too. Chris picked my cards every single time, by the time I was at five green cards he was like "FUCKING SERIOUSLY?" Six of my seven green cards were from him. I certainly know how to play to the judge! <3

We left a while after, because it was getting late and I think he was getting antsy. We came back and played some Minecraft, and he showed me the bong he made out of a plastic water bottle that used to go on a bike. We used it twice and decided it was too much effort to work with ... he was also afraid of it melting. I somehow don't think he thought this plan through ... It was pretty neat looking though. We cracked open a couple beers, switched to the pipe, and played Minecraft, but I think in my intoxicated state I just walked around and sheared sheep. I got a heck of a lot of wool though, so there! We also spent a whole hour laughing at videos of flashlights and pictures of Keanu Reeves.

We watched Breaking Bad while he played Skyrim for a couple hours, then I just watched him play until bedtime. I love his bed, I'm going to steal it one day! And I especially love sleep-cuddles.

I woke up about 10AM and took my meds, fed Lulu, and read websites until he woke up, and we got showered and dressed. He was going to go into work early, but we had a couple hours to kill so we went to Dandelion and decided to check out the event that was going on there. I could have sworn he and I went there together, but I guess it was me and David. I got ceylon tea and he got this weird green tea, and we got a vegan burrito to share. It was pretty good, but nothing beats Lime's burritos. Chipotle is a close second ...

After we ate we walked around the event which is apparently called Sparkle, and it's a bunch of hippy-new-age stuff that people make by hand and sell. There were clothes, toys, purses, soap, lotions, musical instruments, and all sorts of stuff. There was a guy selling ceramic ocarinas, and we stopped to talk to him for a bit. We asked if he had a website that people could buy from, but he said he "didn't like using websites". @_@ I guess he doesn't like selling stuff then! Dandelion Communitea Cafe is a really small place (It's built out of an abandoned house) on a little lot, so we went through the place pretty quick. We came back and watched some more of The League before he had to go to work, and I saw him off and cleaned his apartment after he left. Swept, washed dishes, made bed, fed cat, cleaned bathroom, dusted. Left my mark upon the whiteboard and packed my things after I did some homework and took a shower, then went home with my brother when he came to pick me up.

Came home, passed another practice math test, and played some Minecraft. I'm trying to remodel my house, but I have no clue what I'm doing. It's such a mess!

Anyway, I'm really tired and I hope tonight I sleep good. I think I deserve it!

10 comments|post comment

2 [08 Dec 2011|11:22pm]
[ mood | exhausted ]

Today's been quite a day ... Let's start at the beginning!

The headaches have really begun to drive me mad. That, plus the dizzy spells were just ... ugh. They were getting to be too much. I was practicing my math exam before I started to panic over it, and it took me having a panic attack to get my mother to accompany me (begrudgingly, I might add) to the emergency room.

For the emergency room on this end of town, it was pretty empty. They took my blood pressure (my mom's little blood pressure machine went into error twice when she tried and worked fine on her, which was her turning point) and asked me some questions. They had me fill out paperwork and give a urine sample, and I waited to be called.

I called the college since exams are today and I had no idea how long I was going to be there, but the Testing Center staff told me that I HAD to be there WITH my class, NO EXCEPTIONS. I was so mad ... and this info will come into play later. Bear it in mind.

I got a room in the emergency room and I just cried and cried ... I've never been to the hospital before for myself. I've never had health problems. But these headaches and dizzy spells are driving me up the fucking wall ... and on exam day, no less. My mom got angry at me for crying so much (I cry a lot ... it's much better than throwing a temper tantrum like my mom does) and she kept saying "you act like you're dying, I've had a heart attack blah blah blah". In that moment in time I seriously gave no fuck about any problem of hers and I just wanted to be out of there and pass my exam so I could go the fuck home and wish my head didn't hurt. I told her that I was sorry I was inconveniencing her and she stormed out, and I just cried until the doctor showed up to ask me questions.

First their job was to calm me down, which wasn't working very well. They kept asking me questions like if I wanted to hurt myself or hurt others, and asked me if I wanted to kill myself. I said no, and that I'd rather be sad and that I couldn't hurt anyone if I tried. I said I was scared and that I had an exam in an hour, and that I had another one later that I wasn't sure if I was prepared for. They made me lean forward and asked if the pressure in my face got worse ... they determined I had a sinus infection that was affecting my ear, hence the dizzy spells. They sent the social worker to talk to me too, and she gave me a bunch of stuff and recommended that I seek therapy for anxiety, and if I needed to have medicine that I could visit the mental hospital on the other side of town. Of course now my mom thinks I'm crazy e_e

Skipping the bureaucracy and the boring parts of my exam, let's get to the results. I'm supposed to get a 24/30 at LEAST. I scored a 27/30 on the practice one more than once. My head is pounding (I had not yet gotten my prescription and would not until after my French Exam, which I had emailed my professor about and informed her of where I was since I was unsure of when I would be there) and there are people from other classes talking over my head and it makes it tough to concentrate. I turn in my test .. 19/30. I pounded the desk and turned in my scrap paper, and stormed out. I went to the math lab and asked questions, asking to review the ones I missed. It turns out I was mixing my positives and negatives ... I did all the work right. But my inability to concentrate caused me to throw the test ... and I wasted my first try to get the fuck out of this horrible class. The staff told me that I also did not have to come today, since I had been at the hospital, and I told them what the Testing Center staff had told me, and they shook their heads in disappointment.

I went to the library to see if my French professor had sent anything ... Nothing, but I DID get an email from my math professor. She said that she knew I'd been feeling terrible for weeks now, and that I should not have taken the test that day under these circumstances. She told me I had another try if I could pass the practice test three times, and that I could do it Tuesday and work with her as well. I'm riding on this test ... I need it.

I spend some time going to the cafeteria and getting some food in me seeing as I hadn't eaten all day, and I read the Orlando Weekly (no good concerts this week, sadly), and then went to French after my brother brought my schoolbooks. (I went straight from the emergency room to math class @_@ not the smartest thing I've ever done ...)

I got a picture of a woman talking to a cafe owner while drinking an espresso ... harder to talk about than I thought! At least she asked me simple questions and I was allowed to construct simple sentences. "Il fait froid aujourd'hui, elle a l'air surpris, l'homme veut trop d'argent, elle est potable un espresso ... Il est vieux et grand!" My French is not so good. :(

I finished my oral exam and left, got in the truck with my brother and went to the store to get my prescription. The grocery store here has free antibiotics, so I got mine for free! Yay! I spoke to the pharmacist there and I asked about side effects because I told her that it was very likely that a side effect of another medication had given me the sinus infection to start with. I told her I'd been on the Nuvaring, and she was surprised that it was affecting me like that. She said the dose may be too high. I wouldn't doubt it, honestly. I bought a bottle of water and took a pill before I even left the store, went back to the truck with my brother and we went home.

I come home and I'm just horribly exhausted, so I put on some TV and lay down with the kittens crawling all over me and texting Chris. He said he was sorry that he didn't do more to help me, but honestly he did a lot. He calmed me down where I could not do it for myself and put sense into me calmly, and I'm really thankful for that. He made me feel better about my math test ... I was kicking myself so hard for it. I finally gave in to my headache and took some ibuprofen just to get some peace for once today, and despite still having some dizzy spells (which actually feel more like hypnic jerks, actually), and managed to watch TV without sobbing in pain.

I'm so very tired, but I'm feeling more optimistic about my headaches and I hope that these meds make all this shit stop. Tomorrow I'm calling the nurse practitioner at Planned Parenthood and asking if I'm okay using the other Nuvaring I have in my fridge. Shame to let 30 dollars go to waste, but I won't do it if I'm in danger of harming myself with it.

I made all this sound a lot worse than how it really went ... There's no doubt it sucked, but I managed to at least be okay throughout the day and at one point I even stopped crying. Chris checked on me and called me a bunch and was as there for me as he could be from the other side of town. He did good and I hope he knows that everything he did really helped.

For now, it's time to watch more Breaking Bad and cuddle the little kitten curled up inside my jacket!

3 comments|post comment

1 [06 Dec 2011|10:35pm]
[ mood | worried ]
[ music | "King" - O.A.R. ]

So, another new journal! Hopefully I can remember to keep up with it. I needed a new change from what I was around.

Have you ever felt like you needed to assume a new identity? After the happenings of the past year or so, I think I needed it. I'm happier now!

I have a new friend too, so I suppose I should write a little about myself before I get into my day today:

I'm twenty-five and I live in Orlando, Florida. I go to college and am currently unemployed, but am looking for work. I'm studying to become a history teacher, with a degree in social studies. My dream job is to be a museum curator. It's a dream because I know that job isn't very attainable! I don't have many friends. I mostly hang out with my boyfriend Chris and his friends, or my friend David and his boyfriend Daniel. Sometimes I get to hang out with my friend Xia and her boyfriend Nick, people I've known since middle school. Xia's my only real female friend left. I got rid of the rest in a big huge fight a few months ago that I will go into another time.

I used to play WoW really seriously, but now it's just nothing to me. I'm only playing to gear up characters so I can sell the account. No one in my guild speaks to me anymore since I quit raiding, which told me a lot about the friendship I had with them to start with--I knew them for five years--and was a big wakeup call. I'm glad I don't speak to them, there are many mean things I could say about them but I'm better than that.

Now, onto my day!

I have been plagued with a bad headache for the past couple weeks, and only in the last day or two did I discover its source(by total accident, mind you). I have a wisdom tooth coming in on the top left side, and it's swelling and pressing on my sinuses, which are swelling as well. The swelling of my sinuses is putting pressure on my whole head, and the pain from my tooth is also radiating into my neck. I discovered it by pressing on my jaw once by resting my cheekbone on my fist while reading, and the pain lessened. I'm glad to have discovered its source but I just want it to be over. I need this stupid tooth out. I can't keep chucking ibuprofen down my throat every few hours ...

The good news is I have a good grade in my math class! I'm excited to be passing a math class finally, and I'm hoping to get a good grade on my final exams for it. French has me a little worried, but I think I can pull through. I just need to press extra hard with it. My teacher is really nice, but she can't teach very well. I don't know how anyone's learned anything this semester. Although today she did bring us baguettes, goat cheese, grapes, and Godiva chocolates.

Oh lord, Chris just sent me a link about a lady dying from a brain-eating amoeba. THIS DOES NOT HELP MY SANITY RIGHT NOW :( Although I know for a fact that it's my tooth causing me this problem (the headache radiates on that side of my head from that point) I still panic over dumb stuff like this. >8( !!!

Tomorrow I have a meeting with a job recruiter ... Let's hope it results in something.

3 comments|post comment

test [05 Dec 2011|10:27pm]
[ mood | thankful ]
[ music | test ]

test

I'll write a substantial entry later.

post comment

navigation
[ viewing | most recent entries ]