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FLAIRY

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11 [11 Jan 2012|01:23pm]
[ mood | exhausted ]
[ music | "King" - O.A.R. ]

Sorry I haven't been posting, I've either been too tired or too busy, or just not at home.

I STILL have this damn sinus infection, after a doctor visit and medication ... but allergy pills seem to help some. I need to go back to the doctor for more antibiotics.

I finally got paid at my new job and I've been stocking Chris' kitchen for when I come over, and I cook dinner for him. We've been watching movies and playing less Minecraft, but mostly because we don't know what to build anymore. We need ideas, or a survival mode that's more challenging.

A lot has gone on between he and I, and we've fought an awful lot the past couple of weeks. Just about every time we've seen one another, we've had a fight. It eventually escalated into a full blown yelling fight one night after we came back from walking around town all day, and while I understand his frustration I wish he'd understand my mental blocks about certain things. I think he does now, although it may not make much sense to him.

Since I got this job my goal has been to move out of my mom's place ... and I'm a lot closer to achieving that goal. I can't live alone though, and I want to live close to work and school. I asked Chris if he would like to live together ... I think I asked too soon. The conversation was on the topic and I think he saw that question coming. I believe his answer is no, but it's hard to tell. He gave me that answer during a fight we had so it's hard to tell if he meant it or not. Until he says otherwise, I'm going to just assume he doesn't want to. I don't think his reasoning is bad per se ... he said he'd done the living together thing and it was bad. But A) I'm not as mean and vindictive as the person he'd described as being (at least I don't think I am, but I know I'm capable of it and worse) and B) I think we'd get along better if we did. Of course he's going to have reservations and it's fine, but I really hope he reconsiders.

We fought the other night because I'm not dominant, and I am trying to learn, but I'm not putting in the effort as much as I could be. I honestly hate being dominant ... it makes me feel abusive, kind of. But the last relationship I was in, any decision or stern tone I used was interpreted as abuse and I was made to feel guilty. But it makes him miserable to have to be in charge all the time. I had a suspicion he was trying to make me be more dominating by denying me intimacy (so I would force it out of him), but I wasn't sure. At least, now I know.

I am so tired. I wanted to make this longer ... but I don't have the energy to write anymore. I'll post sometime again later.

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