I got my errands done really early today, and since I'm tired of looking at my homework I'm super bored.
I realized I had a ton of livejournal names I wanted to save, and I'm kind of thinking of migrating towards one. I'm so bad about writing journal entries ... There's so much I want to say but a lot of the time I just don't have the will to write it all down.
I bring this up because I found an old secret livejournal I wrote in, and I apparently wrote in it about four or so years ago. I wrote a lot about World of Warcraft and reading it sort of stings a little, even now. It sucks to know I wasted so much time playing this game. I'm still tempted even now to go back just because sometimes I'm bored, but it really isn't worth the money or effort. I don't have friends there and honestly I'm sure the game would become more fun if I didn't have friends in it. I stopped playing for myself and was playing for my guild, and it sucked. I didn't get to do anything I wanted to do ... I hated raiding after a while and I was growing to hate the people I was raiding with.
Is it bad that sometimes I miss them? I miss when we were all actually friends ... but when your life changes, your friends change too I guess. I hate it, I miss having them as friends, but I don't want them as they are now. I want them as they were then. But I guess even then they didn't care about ME, they cared about the level 85 priest healer, or the level 70 paladin tank. It's such a hard notion to accept.
Honestly I'd rather have things as they are now than relive that experience again. It had its good moments but overall it was so stressful and things were always so tense that I don't think I could handle it again, not with the knowledge I have now. More than anything, how could I ever see coming that Vell would become so damn jealous of me that she'd ignore me to prevent me ignoring her first? I mean, I should have seen it coming, she can be vindictive like that, but it's still a hard thing to accept that someone pretty much hates you for the good things that happen in your life. What was expected of me, to spiral down into depression for the rest of my life? To finally see the little confidence I have left reap some sort of reward? Not to mention, I know she talks to my cousin Anthony, but why? Is she trying to keep tabs on me so she can laugh from a distance when it all comes crashing down? Is that really what this is about? I hate to say it but that's the picture I have of her now ... I never would have a year ago. We were friends a year ago and we were inseparable, it wasn't like we couldn't be inseparable now. I don't understand WHY. I just wanted to build a relationship with someone I grew to care about and she couldn't handle that ...
I cleaned my room the other day and I found a letter from her from the last time we had a big fight. It was before I enrolled in college and she was saying her goodbyes before "new friends and college took me away from her". I imagine she cares to some degree but ... I don't know. I got angry reading it and I stuffed it in a drawer. I don't know if it was the indignation of her thinking that I was something to own like that, or I was mad that she thought I didn't care about her, or whatever it was, but I just can't stand the thought of someone hating me like this. It's been at the back of my mind and now that I've got nothing to do it's bothering the shit out of me.
I don't think I really want to reconcile our friendship, but I would like to be on at least good or neutral terms. I know we aren't judging from when she picked her book up from my house. I didn't even get so much as a "bye" or a "fuck you, see you later" or anything. I don't even know what I'd say if I had the opportunity. Judging from the big mouths everyone I associate with has I'm sure she's caught wind of what I think happened, and probably just doesn't care enough to correct me. Either way, it's sad that I left a whole group of people including her on such bad terms. I can never ever associate with them again ... even if I tried.
What do I do now? I'm so bad at socializing ... I don't really want to make new friends. I mean I do, but I don't want the responsibility of going and hanging out and shit. I guess I'm not wording that right, but I'm too tired to care at this point about proper wording. I can write about this more some other time ... I'm getting sleepy.