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15 [04 May 2012|01:11pm]
[ mood | pensive ]

It's been a while since I've written, hasn't it?

I've been working and finishing up with the semester at school, so between that and trying to have a social life I think that while I should have made time to write (to keep stress down) I haven't done very well with it.

But that isn't to say that life hasn't been stressful ... I'm still learning the ins and outs of being a grown up and being more responsible, and honestly I want to cry sometimes. There are some moments when I'm asking myself "why am I bothering with any of this?"

I had one of those moments last night laying in bed, sort of. I felt bad about feeling the way I did because Chris was all snuggled up into me and holding me, and I imagine if he knew what was going on in my head he'd have been offended that I felt so horrible. I guess it didn't help we had an argument earlier in the day.

I still don't have friends, and I feel worse because one of his friends (a long time friend, apparently) had a falling out with him and now they don't speak. Honestly I never liked that friend of his, but I respected their friendship and I did my best to participate and be nice to this girl. He never told me what they fought over and when I asked he refused. I don't want to think it's about me, but I get the feeling it might be. I don't pry into his friendships and I figure he'll tell me in time when it hurts less.

I tried to get back in touch with Ally, the girl who is no longer my friend, but I didn't do it to be her friend. I just wanted closure. I guess she didn't want the same, and really I don't care anymore. I'm okay with not having friends, but Chris doesn't feel the same way and needs to be social. He forces himself to do it and I don't. I should, but people are just so disappointing.

There's a chance we'll be moving soon. He's applying for work in Washington DC, and we'd be moving to Reston, Virginia. I haven't told anyone except you guys, not even my mom. My family would fucking lose their minds. They already think Chris and I will fail as a couple because we live together, and they didn't want me to move out of my mom's. Chris' mom seems to want to move up there too, I think. I'm not sure and I'm not asking, but judging from his end of the phone calls he gets, that seems to be the case.

There is an awful lot of things swirling in my head and I can't even begin to write them all down. So much I'm upset about, so much I'm happy about, so much I need help with, and I don't know where to begin.

I think I'll lay down for a bit.

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